Chapter 200 The Weight of Shame


    He was still drowning in a tide of self–loathing.


    He despised fickle, indecisive people.


    And he despised himself even more for bing one of them.


    But the cruel reality was–tonight, he hadpletely lost control of his body.


    He tried, with great difficulty, to pull away. But as her kiss deepened, he found himself overtaking her, almost devouring her breath entirely.


    “Mm…”


    James‘ kiss was too fierce.


    Lily, who had beenpletely absorbed in her romantic dream, found herself unable to breathe. The suffocating sensation abruptly pulled her back to consciousness.


    She blinked her sleepy eyes open–and was met with a pair of red–tinted, misty eyes.


    And right after that–James‘ face, inches from her own.


    They were clearly kissing.


    And her hand was still…


    Realizing what she’d just done, Lily nearly fainted from shock.


    In her mind, James absolutely hated her. He especially couldn’t stand physical contact, let alone intimacy. There was no way he would ever want to get close to her.


    She had dreamed of her parents tonight…


    And she vaguely remembered thest time she’d dreamt of her mom–James hade to check on her when she cried in her sleep, and she’d clung to him like a lunatic, calling him “Mom” while ranting about him being t–chested…


    She couldn’t remember exactly what she’d done this time.


    But judging from the current situation–she had probably kissed him. Maybe even worse.


    That dream… she had dreamed of him holding her, and she’d gotten mad that he wasn’t holding her properly, so she’d grabbed him and kissed him.


    That wasn’t just a dream–it had clearly happened in real life.


    She definitely kissed him.


    If she hadn’t, then given how much he loathed her, there was no way their lips would be touching right


    now.


    She… she was usually pretty restrained when awake. Why did her damn mouth always do these outrageous, shameless things while she was asleep?


    Lily jolted with a full–body shiver and yanked back her right hand like it was on fire.


    When she realized her left arm was still wrapped around his waist, she quickly pulled that back too and scooted to the edge of the bed, putting as much distance between them as possible.


    Just moments ago, when she’d been in his arms, when he kissed her so hungrily, James had felt like his entire body was being roasted alive.


    The heat had burned away all reason.


    Now that she was gone from his arms- -now that she was sitting away from him–he felt an emptiness, not just in his chest, but in his whole being.


    But that space, that cooling void, also brought his rationality slowly back.


    And with it came the crushing realization: he had kissed her. He had pulled at her clothes.


    He had almost gone too far.


    He had betrayed Le.


    His grandfather had been right–he wasn’t worthy of being called human. He was a beast.


    He shut his eyes, the pain so fierce it made him want to tear himself apart.


    “James…”


    Even though his eyes were closed, Lily had caught the sh of pain and revulsion in his gaze just moments


    ago.


    She had no idea what inner turmoil he was facing. Naturally, she assumed it was because she— emboldened by her dream–had crossed the line and done something unforgivable to him.


    She felt humiliated. Mortified. She had no idea how to exin it in a way that would make it better.


    But she knew one thing–she had to apologize.


    She lowered her head like a schoolgirl waiting to be scolded by the principal, her voice soft and guilty. “I’m sorry. Did I cry again? Did you hear me ande check on me, and then I just–crossed the line and did a bunch of terrible things? I’m really, really sorry. I didn’t mean to.”


    James‘ eyes grew darker, his pain and self–hatred intensifying.


    Yes, he hade because she was crying.


    But it wasn’t her who did anything excessive.


    <b>It </b>was him.


    It was his shameless, disgusting, out–of–control behavior that had crossed every line.


    He couldn’t say it aloud. The shame was too much. After standing there stiffly for a long while, he finally said in a cold, hollow voice, “It wasn’t your fault.”


    But his words only made Lily feel worse.


    She thought he was just being polite.


    That, out of some gentlemanly sense of decency, he wasn’t scolding her outright–but that deep down, he was disgusted. That her actions had left him with psychological scars.


    She ducked her head even lower, practically curling into herself.


    Her voice was so quiet it was barely audible. “I’m really sorry for what I did. I’ll be more careful from now on. I won’t cross the line again.”


    She had clung to him, kissed him so passionately, because somewhere deep inside, she’d developed feelings for him. She just couldn’t help wanting to be close.


    But she knew how much he hated her.


    If he found out she’d been dreaming about touching him, kissing him–he’d be absolutely repulsed.


    Terrified that he’d discover the shameful little seed of affection she’d buried away, she quickly added, “I… I dreamed about that old ssmate I mentioned. The one I said I might start dating. I think I mixed up the dream with reality and thought you were him. That’s why I did all those awful things.”