Chapter 96 Iwon’tstoptrying


    Rowan.


    MyfeethitthepavementasIrun.Iusuallyruninthemorning,buttodayIdecidedotherwiseItwasaroundsevenintheevening,andIneededthisrun.


    Ispeedup,feelingmymusclesburn.Iwantedtooutrunmyguilt.Wantedtooutrunmyheartache.


    Iwantedtooutrunmy F***ingfoolishness.


    TheguiltofhowmuchIhadhurtAvawaseatingmealive.Destroyingmefromtheinsideout.I


    haven’t beenabletofacehersinceIdiscoveredmyfeelingsforher.


    Ilookatmyselfinthemirror,andallIseeisadespicablehumanbeing.Iamdisgustedbymyactions.DisgustedbyallthatIdidtoher.


    IthoughtIwasagoodman.Thekindthatlovesfiercely.Iwasalwaysproudofmyselfforholdingontomylove forEmma.Ithoughtitmeantthatmyfeelingsforherweretrue.WhatIdidn’t realizewasthatwhiledoingthat,IwashurtingthewomanIactuallyloved.


    “Fuck!”Icursemyselfandtheworld.


    HowthehelldidI gethere?


    IpushmyselfharderasIrunpastthegasstationafewmilesfrommyhouse.Idon’thavetimetoslowdownbecauseonceIdo,mydemonswillbebacktohauntme.Totauntmewithallmy mistakes.


    EverytimeIclosemyeyes,Iseeherfacefrommanymonthsago,beforesheaskedforadivorce.I


    don’tevenrememberwhatIsaidto1itithurtherprettybadly.Irememberhereyesshuttingdowninpainasshetoldmeshehatedme.Iscoffed.NotknowingthatIwouldonedaycravethe love she used tohaveforme.


    Imessedupbigtime.NoweverythingisF***edupandIdon’tknowhowtofixit.


    Myphonerings,andIampulledfrommydrowningthoughts.


    “Hello,”Ianswerwithoutcheckingthecaller’sID.Mybreathinginhardand fast.


    “Dad,it’sme!”Noahshoutsinexcitement.


    We’vetalkedonthephone,butIhaven’tbeenbytoseehim.Notwhenseeinghimmeansseeing


    “Hey,buddy.Howareyou?”


    “I’mgoodrmsuperexcited,”heallbutshouts.


    Mycuriositygetsthebestofme,eventhoughpartofmethinksthatIwillregretasking


    “Why?What’sgotyouinsuchagoodmood?”Ichuckle.


    Talkingtohimbroughtasenseofpeace.Rightnow,hewasmylifelinebecauseIfeltlikeIwasdrowning.LikeIwasdyingfromtheinside.


    “Well,youremembermybestfriendGunner?”heasks


    “Yeah”


    “Well,abunchofthingshappened,andIwantedtocheerhimup,soItalkedtomomandsheagreed.We’regoingtoanamusementparktomorrow.Mom,me,Gunnerandhisdad,”heshoutsthstpart.


    Ifeeljealousytakecontrol.Thethoughtofhavinganothermannearherwas drivingmeinsane.IknowIsaidshedeservesbetter,butIhonestlydon’t thinkIcanlethergo.


    “Isthatright?”Iask,myvoicetakingahardtone.


    “Yeah”Noahreplies.“Areyouokay,dad?Youdon’tsoundfine,”hesaysafterrealizingthatIwasn’tasexcitedforhimasIshouldbe..


    Ispinaroundandbeginmywalkbackhome.Myinsidesburnedfromenvy.Whatifshe chosethisman?What iftheywereinartionship?Whatifshefellinlovewithhim?ThemoreIthoughtof


    allthepossibilities,themoreIgotpissed atmyselfforbeingsuchanidiot.


    “Whereisit?”Iaskhimcrisply.


    “Oh,inthenexttown,”hereplies.“Areyouokay,dad?”


    “Yes.Absolutely,”Ilie.


    “Okaythen,”hisvoiceisincredulous.“I’lltalktoyoter.JustwantedtoletyouknowthatIwon’t


    bearoundtomorrow,incaseyouwantedtoseeme.Byedad,goodnight.”


    “Goodnighttoo,buddy,”Isaid,hangingupthephone.


    Icontinuemywalk.I’eouttonightinthehopesofcalmingmythoughts.Itwaswastedbecause,ontopofallthestress,Iwasnow


    pissedashell


    Igettomyhomethirtyminuteter.Thecoldairhaddonenothingtocoolmyfrayednerves.IwantedtostormtoAva’sceandimher.Iwantedtotellhershecan’tgooutwiththisCalvinguyIwantedtoderemyloveforher.


    “Mr.Woods,thereissomeoneheretoseeyou,”mybutlerinformsmethemomentIstepintomyhouse


    “Whoisit?”Iask.


    Beforehecananswer,hervoiceinterruptsus.IswearasIturnaround tofaceher.Fuck!Ididn’thavethetimeorpatiencetodealwithher.


    “HowcanIhelpyou,Emma?”IfeelitasRodgers,mybutler,leaves.


    Istudyherfeatures.Shewasbeautiful,yes,butherbeautyhaddeemedinmyeyes.Itried


    searchingforthescorchingfeelingsIusedtohaveforher,buttherewasnothing.Thecethatoncehousedthem wapletelyempty.


    “Howareyou,Ro?”sheasksinsteadofansweringmyquestion.


    Ididn’twanttoberude,butIdidn’thavetimeforher.


    “Tellmewhyyou’rehere,Emma.Ihavealotofthingsonmyte.”


    Shesighs.Herfacelosingitscolor.“I’mherebecauseofus.Iwantustotalkaboutour rtionship.”


    Myfacpletelyshoutsdown.Ifeelcoldnessradiatingfromme.Sheflinches,butIdon’tgivea shit.


    “Whatrtionship?Thereisno‘us‘Emma.Don’tyouunderstandthat?”Iaskherinahardtone,


    myhandsfistedatmyside.


    Damnit.Iwantedhertoleave.Doesn’tsheunderstandthatbeingnearherirritatesme?That


    thingshavechangedandit’slikeIcan’tstandbeingaroundher.


    “That’snottrue.Iloveyou,andyouloveme.It’salwaysbeenthatway.Youcan’ttellmethat


    thingshavechanged.IsitbecauseofAva?”Tearswereswimminginhereyes.


    Ididn’tloveher,butIcaredforher.Ididn’twanttohurt,butifitmeansthat’sthe onlywayshe’ll


    “Yes,butIalsocametorealizethatIdon’tloveyouImayhaveinthepast,butnotanymore.


    You’rewastingyourtimeonme.You shouldbelookingforsomeonewho’llgiveyoutheloveI can’t”


    Thetearsshewasholdingbackbegintofall.Painshedinherfeatures.Iwantedtohelpher,but


    therewasnothingIcoulddo.I’vehurtAvalongenough.I’llbedamnedif Icontinuedoingit.


    “Youloveher,don’tyou?”sheasksinabrokenvoice.


    Herpaintugsatthepartsofmethatusedtoloveher.Istampthemdown.Notallowingthemto win.


    “Yes.Iknowit’snotwhatyouwanttohear,butyesIloveher”ItellherasgentlyasIcan.


    “Now thatyouknowthetruth,I’malsolettingyouknowthatI’mgoingtopursueherandIdon’twant youstandinginmyway”


    “She’llnevergiveyouachance.She’llneverforgiveyou.”Hervoiceisbitterandwounded.


    Irunmyhandthroughmyhairinfrustration.“Thatmaybethecase,butitstillwon’tstopme fromtryingtowinbackherlove.”


    “AndIwon’tstoptryingtowinbackyours.Ilostyouonce,Rowan,andI’mnotgoingtoloseyou again.Iwon’teptdefeatthat easily,”shesaysdeterminedly.


    BeforeIcantellthatshe’swastinghertime,sheflouncespastmeandleaves.


    IheadupstairswhilepushingtheencounterwithEmmatothebackofmymind.Nothing shesaid


    mattered.Avaismymainfocusnow.


    Itwastimeformetowinbackmyex–wife.